Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it’s all over much too soon.

Woody Allen

My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Woody Allen

I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Woody Allen

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing “Embraceable You” in spats.

Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Woody Allen

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?

Woody Allen

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