Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen

Woody Allen

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

Woody Allen

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Woody Allen

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.

Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it’s all over much too soon.

Woody Allen

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

Woody Allen

As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Woody Allen

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things.

Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
— Woody Allen

Woody Allen

My Brain: it’s my second favorite organ.

Woody Allen

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around China town.

Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Woody Allen

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