Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it’s all over much too soon.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
— Woody Allen
My Brain: it’s my second favorite organ.
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around China town.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.