I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead not sick, not wounded dead.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said “No.”
I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.
To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I’m going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Life is a concentration camp. You’re stuck here and there’s no way ou t and.